Autumn Leaves
by Ginny Perry
Summary: Purples and reds. N/C, shota, incest, psych fic. Ghetsis/N.


Okay, so... this fic is NC-17. I wrote it extremely delicately and pretty much every word was chosen for a reason... I know that sounds weird, but... you'll see.

There is so much I want to talk about with this, but I will save it for the end because I don't want to spoil anything at the beginning. It'll probably be unlike most fics you've read, and unlike the fics I've written before. Yep.

* * *

><p>My name is N, and I live in a big castle with my daddy and mommy. When I was three, daddy gave me my best friend, Zorua. Zorua and I liked to go outside every day, playing for hours while daddy worked. At night, mommy would sometimes read us a book before we went to bed. I'm not allowed outside of my room when I am in the castle, but there are so many toys here!<p>

Zorua is my best friend in the whole world. Sometimes, I tell her my secrets. I tell her about how I want to grow up to be big and strong and learn how to read like mommy. I want to be like my daddy, too. I want to be nice and everyone to be nice to me, because I don't like mean things. Daddy's friend Hydreigon is mean and I don't like him because he scares Zorua. She told me.

Daddy didn't see me much, but every time I did, he would tell me he loved me. That means he cares about me. I love mommy, and daddy, and Zorua, because I care about them and they are nice to me.

On my sixth birthday, I woke up to my bedroom light turning on. It was bright, and Zorua and I both sat up off the pile of blankets on the floor. It was daddy, who walked up to us and picked up Zorua into his arms. He pet her nicely and she purred, already starting to fall back asleep.

"Daddy...?" I asked as I rubbed the sleepies out of my eyes. I hadn't seen him in a long time. His face wasn't happy, or sad, or mad. He just looked down at me as he pet my best friend.

"For every tear I will break two bones. Hers and your own."

There was no time to reply as a hand grasped Zorua's hind leg, and with a strict jerk, her femur dislocated from a hip joint.

The sound was like the branch of a tree snapping from its trunk, and the strangled yelp was even more sickening.

"_No!_" I screamed as loud as my voice could strain as I saw my only friend whimper and cry out as daddy continued to hold onto the dislocated bone, her body frantically squirming in an attempt to escape.

Zorua... my only friend...

She's hurting...!

I couldn't focus on anything but the agonized look in her eyes; I must have cried a tear, because daddy reached around once more, grabbing Zorua's front leg and cracked it in half. Her paw hung limp from the limb.

As she screeched, I screamed. My throat felt like it was closing, like there was no sound loud enough. Nothing would be enough to show my horror. No plead or sob. She was crying out to me. Pleading for her life.

Zorua... I'm sorry... I don't know what to do... I'm too scared...

I'm so scared...

I'm... killing her...

Her body was dropped from several feet above the ground and she was unable to land nicely. A yelp as she turned over onto her side, her mangled legs unable to support the weight of her tiny body.

I didn't think. I couldn't have, at least, because I was suddenly kneeling over her and trying to bring her into my arms. Zorua's body was suddenly so fragile to me. I was afraid to touch her. Her whimpers and shakes ripped at my heart as a tear ran down my cheek and fell to her coat. Could that have hurt her, too...?

Something hit me in the head and knocked me to the floor, and I saw a hand grab my friend from the back of her nape.

"_No, no, no!_" I sobbed over and over as daddy held her against his chest. She was barely squirming now... she was tired. I recognized that expression. The face she made before she yawned and curled up on my blankets. Zorua liked to nap. More than me. When she fell asleep, sometimes I'd sit around and wait for her to wake up, or nap with her to pass the time. She'd always want to-

Fingers cupped over her muzzle, another at her crippled shoulder, and with a jerk of the wrist, her spinal cord severed.

Another drop, but this time she remained silent as she hit the ground. I opened my mouth to scream but nothing would escape.

Three seconds of stillness lingered in the room before I was dragged towards the corner of the room. I didn't fight it. At that moment, I didn't want to. I didn't care. The realization of loneliness was settling in quickly, and the desire to give up struck me harder than any body could possibly withstand.

"One."

Strong hands took my index finger and stroked it lovingly for a moment before tearing it back towards my wrist. The same familiar snap. Before the pain struck my core, it reminded me of the crackling sound ice made when Zorua and I would run across frozen ponds in the winter. Light reflecting off white as she'd chase me through the cold, sliding over ice while my socks dampened from snow caught in my shoes.

Never again...

After the silent memory passed, excruciating agony shot up my arm and dissipated through my body, and I could no longer keep myself from sobbing.

"Daddy, why? Why are you doing this?" I wailed, confused and hurt and betrayed; I had no control over my speech, now. Every thought that ran through my mind was now escaping my lips as the pain wracked my brain and my vision spun. "Why are you doing this to me, daddy? What did I do? Why are you-"

"Two."

I wasn't exactly sure, but I think I screamed before the bone even broke. My middle finger, now; its pain was similar to the other initially, but now only amplified the agony from moments before.

"What did I _do_, daddy?" I sobbed and pleaded, my face covered in tears and mucus and a thick sheen of sweat. "_Please! Please don't hurt me anymore!_"

"Three."

I saw stars as my head was shoved to the floor, leaving me unable to realize what was coming until it was too late. Maybe it was for the best. My arm was twisted behind my back, then slowly pulled towards my head. First discomfort, then pain, then what felt like an electric shock as my arm was dislocated from my shoulder. The pain was too much for me to process; my body rejected it. In its agony, I was hit with a sudden wave of nausea, and vomited until my eyes burned.

For a brief second, I remember when I would kneel similar to this. Arms outstretched. Zorua running towards me. Her eyes so full of life. It was like I could see the love in them.

Now, as I looked over at her, her eyes were glassed over in a voided stare.

No more.

The sight brought be back to reality. A realm I no longer wanted to be in. Utter humiliation and shame. I could not obey. I could not save her.

Daddy did not say a word. He didn't have to.

He stood up and left me hunched over on the floor and I rolled over onto my side, tumbling onto my back when I realized that I had landed on my arm. Pain pulsed through my body like my blood was full of barbs, tearing and ripping through every vessel as my heart pumped. I was no longer crying. I couldn't. Even as daddy picked up Zorua's lifeless body and tossed it towards me as he left, my emotions were too stretched thin to even come out.

I managed to bring her towards me and embrace her. I wanted to hug her like I used to before I curled up every night to sleep. Sweet dreams of wildflowers and the smell of cedar.

She's cold.

I'm cold.

It is just like when we used to play in the snow.

...

I woke up alone in my room. Zorua was gone. When I sat up, the pain of last night's injuries struck me all at once, and I started to cry.

My two fingers were limp. One stuck out sideways. I stupidly tried to move my other arm and was rewarded with a horrible sensation that felt like it shot down my back and through my legs. I was suddenly aware of just how little I was able to do, now. But it didn't stop me from rolling up onto my feet awkwardly and balancing myself until I could stand.

I walked to the wall and leaned my good shoulder against it. I don't know why I did. My eyes fixed on the floor and I couldn't stop staring. The cloud on the carpet has seven curves. There are about three for every square foot. If my room is one hundred square feet, there would be three hundred clouds. If each cloud had seven curves, there would be... two hundred and ten curves on my carpet.

I used to look at clouds with Zorua. She never saw shapes in the clouds, but I would sometimes. I wonder what it feels like to touch a cloud. They look soft, like her fur.

I wonder where she went...

I wanted to tell her that I was scared. Last night was so scary, and that my fingers and my hands and almost everything on my body hurt. And she'd bark that one way she always did when she felt bad, but wanted to play to cheer me up. When I skinned my knee, she wanted me to go outside and play. And we played in the flower fields, and I ran, and I didn't even remember that my knee hurt.

But Zorua isn't here. Daddy made her go to sleep, and...

And... I miss her...

I fell down to my knees and started crying. It felt worse because I couldn't wipe off my tears or cover my eyes. Neither of my arms were working anymore. I wanted to be back to the way it was. My memory of last night was sort of fuzzy, but I remembered daddy hurting Zorua and hurting me. I don't really remember why, or how, and I don't know why I couldn't remember. I just wanted my friend back...

"You've been bad."

I turned around and saw daddy, staring down at me. I didn't know he was here; when did he come in?

"Daddy," I cried, "daddy, why did you hurt Zorua? Why did you hurt _me_? Where did Zorua go?"

"Stop crying, and do not speak to me unless I speak to you directly."

"But y-" A kick to the back of my head sent me forward and I landed on my face, my arms unable to protect me from the fall. I felt warmth running from my nose and red drip onto the carpet.

"Humans hurt Zorua and humans hurt you. You've been bad, and when you are bad, humans will punish you. But if you are good and listen to daddy, daddy will protect you from the humans. Do you understand?"

My face scrunched up as I felt more tears fall from my eyes.

"No, daddy, I don't...!" I sobbed. "_I don't understand!_"

Hands tore violently at the waistband of my pants, but I didn't fight them. I didn't know what they were doing but I just screamed. I screamed and screamed and screamed. I screamed until I felt two fingers shoved into my mouth. I almost bit down on them until I heard daddy's voice in my ear.

"Every time you cry, you will be punished. Every time you scream, you will be punished. Every time you talk without being addressed, every time you resist a punishment, every time you disobey orders, you will be punished. Every time you are good, you will be rewarded. You have to learn to be good so that no more of your friends die."

Those fingers almost gagged me before they were taken out of my mouth.

"Because you were bad, Zorua died. You will never see her ever again."

Before I could process what daddy had said, I felt something tear into me from behind that was unlike any other pain I had felt before. Worse than my fingers breaking. Worse than my torn arm. I tried to remember not to scream or cry, but I couldn't hold it back, and my voice shrieked so loud that my ears began to ring. I tried to raise my head to see what was happening but my head was shoved back into the floor.

"Every time you cry, you will be punished," he repeated. Daddy was breathing heavily against my neck. "Every time you scream, you will be punished. You are bad because you do these things, and being bad is what killed Zorua."

I must've been being stabbed. That had to have been it. In and out, in and out. I bit my lip as hard as I could and tried to keep my face off the floor, but my arms still wouldn't work. They hung limp from my shoulders. Every stab in forced my cheek into the floor and pushed against my bloody nose.

"If you are good, you will be rewarded. If you are bad, you will be punished."

I can't handle this anymore. But I can't run away. I can't make it stop. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be in the bathtub with Zorua, playing with my plastic toys. I want to snuggle under my blankets while mommy reads me a story. I want to be outside where it's warm and bright and pretty.

"If you are good, you will be rewarded. If you are bad, you will be punished."

I want to be good... I want to go outside again. Play with my toys. Sleep where it's warm. I don't want to keep hurting. I don't want to be bad.

I thought about being rewarded. Maybe I would get to see Zorua.

I stopped crying. The thought of Zorua made them dry up.

"Good boy."

Daddy left. Everything hurt. But I was good. He said so.

Maybe I would see Zorua again.

...

The door clicks, opens and closes. I am sitting against the wall like I'm supposed to. Like a good boy. Good for daddy.

A human woman is pulled in by her long hair. It looks soft and pretty. Green like mine. She's wearing a white dress. Girls wear dresses. Boys do not. When I'm not good, sometimes I wear a dress like a girl. It makes me feel bad.

I'm not wearing anything right now. It makes me feel bad too, but daddy says it makes me a good boy.

"N!" the pretty lady yells at me. I don't understand. "N, _please_, _listen_ to me!" Her green eyes are filled with tears. She is sad. It makes me sad a little, but I know that makes me bad, so I don't make a face. I start thinking about my friends and the trees and plants outside. I think about Zorua, but only for a little bit. That makes me bad, too. Bad bad bad.

Daddy pushes her head to the floor and she screams. It's loud and it hurts my ears. But I'm not allowed to cover them. If I listen, I'm good, and he loves me.

"_N, please, run from here while you can!_" Her voice makes knots in my stomach. She sounds so scared.

The woman kicked at daddy and he let go for a second. She ran towards me, wrapping her warm arms around my shoulders. Her cheek pressed against mine as she whispered in my ear. Her voice wavered and hitched.

"N, mommy loves you... mommy loves you so much... please... please run... promise mommy you'll-"

A gasp, a gurgled cough as I felt warm liquid flow down my chest. I saw something long and shiny in the corner of my vision before the pretty lady fell forward against me. Her arms were still around my shoulders.

She smelled like lavender and vanilla and metal.

Daddy grabbed the back of her dress and pulled her off of me. She had a big cut around her neck like a necklace, but it wasn't a pretty necklace. It was red and bloody. Her dress was red, too. No more white.

He looked so mad. Daddy started swinging the knife in his hand. It made a slight crunch when it went in her, and a slick sound when he pulled out. In, out. In, out.

Daddy stopped and turned to me. His face wasn't angry anymore. He ran his hand down the sad lady's dress and walked up to me, putting two red fingers up to my mouth. I knew what a good boy does. I opened my mouth and sucked. It tasted familiar.

"Good boy," daddy said as he smiled. It almost made me smile, too. He took them out and started walking to the door.

I looked over to the lady and saw her eyes. They were open and looked sad. More sad than before.

They made me sad too, and I started to cry.

"M-Mom... my..."

Daddy stopped walking.

I'd been bad, now. I'd been very, very bad.

I know this because a hand took me by the hair and pushed me. I fell on top of the lady. Her dress is soft against my face. But it's wet. She wasn't crying anymore, but I was.

The same hand ran down her dress. It turned red. It went away for a second, and then I felt another hand hold my head against the dress as something stabbed into me from behind.

The trees in the summer are happy and green. They get sad when it gets cold and drop all of their leaves. They become naked. Their leaves turn sad colors. Purple. Red.

The trees grow new leaves. They get happy when it's warm.

I see a little boy in a room. His head is being pushed into a lady's chest. There is a man there, and he is hurting him. Purple. Red.

I feel sorry for him. He looks so scared. I wonder what he did to make that man hurt him?

It's cold, now.

Very cold.

Maybe if I go to sleep, I will wake up and it will be warm. Maybe then, I can be happy. Maybe no more purple. Maybe no more red.

...

There are no lights here now. Usually no sounds. I try to remember things to make the empty world be not so scary.

I try to remember outside. But without sight, I forget colors. Shapes. Smells.

My mouth is dry. My tummy makes noises. It's so dark that I can't tell if my eyes are closed. I do not know if I sleep. I do not think I know what sleep is.

Sometimes when my eyes are closed, I see my friends. I see lights. I see pretty things floating above my head. When my eyes are open, I see my friends, too. Lights. Pretty things. Lines that dance across space. I try to touch them but I can't. They go away. Sometimes my body won't move when I try.

Sometimes when my eyes are open, I see people. They hurt my friends. Daddy says they are humans who want to hurt them. Humans are bad. I am a human, and I am bad. But one day, I can make the bad humans pay, and I will be good.

Sometimes when my eyes are closed, I see people, and they hurt my friends. They are bad. I wish I could make them go away.

Humans did this to me. Humans made the light go away. They hurt my friends. They hurt my body. Make my tummy hurt. My mouth dry.

Daddy says I am broken, but he is going to fix me.

I want to be fixed. I'll do anything.

No tears. No more tears.

...

"Do you remember what the sky looks like?"

I look up. Daddy. The sky. I don't remember what that is.

"No, daddy." My voice is soft.

"What color is the grass, then? And the trees? The snow?"

"I don't know, daddy." I don't remember. He sits down and pulls me into his arms. He's warm...

"One day, in the future, I will let you go outside to fulfill your destiny as king," he said gently as he stroked my hair. "You'll see the bright blue sky, and the grass, and the wind on your face. You'll watch as the trees change their leaves, pretty yellows and purples and reds, that fall to the ground as autumn comes. And when it becomes winter, you'll see the pure white snow. All of this with your friends, boy. To save them from a terrible fate. What do you think of that?"

It sounds nice. I'm so grateful that daddy cares about me.

"I would like that, daddy." I feel my mouth make a tiny smile.

"All of your friends... Woobat, Daru... you love them, yes?"

"Yes, daddy."

"And you remember Pidove?"

"Yes, daddy." Pidove went away.

"What about Zorua?"

Zorua. Zorua. Zorua. I paused.

"I don't have a friend named that, daddy."

"Are you sure?"

Zorua. Zorua... Zorua...

"Yes, daddy. I'm sure." He held me closer.

"Good boy."

Hands in my hair. Twisting. Pushing into the floor.

Fixing me.


End file.
